Dynamics of Attraction

As mentioned in the previous post, there are several major things working against people getting married, those are trends that the church has to fight. What about at an individual level? I’d like to look at the dynamics of relationships and what the pitfalls are. There are many different kinds of men and women out there, so it’s impossible to cover every scenario, but let’s look at a few basic dynamics.

The most important issue is that of attraction. What causes one person to become attracted to another? I believe group dynamics are very important to the process. In general, I see a pyramid phenomenon at work in groups. In any group there is one person that is considered the most attractive person (MAP) by the corresponding group of the opposite sex, and vice versa. This leads to the phenomenon where 10 guys are after one girl, and 10 girls are after one guy. Because of this people do not naturally “pair off” that easily.

How do people end up getting together then? Well first, in many cases it’s not 10 to 1. It’s often more like 10 to 3. There are different personality types, so not everyone will find the most attractive person to be the most attractive to them. That improves things, but he problem still remains that it is a many to few scenario. Next, the “most attractive person” changes over time. Few people can stand the limelight indefinitely. Someone else will enter into the picture and change the dynamics. Also, if the most attractive person dates, they are usually taken because they are in high demand. This leads people to consider other options.

Now, I want to say that I do not consider the “most attractive person” phenomenon to be Godly. I believe it’s actually a kind of idolatry, but you need to see it to know what is going on. This “king of the mountain” phenomenon is damaging to the people on the top and on the bottom. The people on the top can think that the world revolves around them, and that everyone loves them. They may also get frustrated from attracting lots of people that they are not interested in. The people at the bottom get frustrated from not being seen by anyone, and frustrated from the long term and repeated rejection they experience.

You have to break this idolatrous “crowd” phenomenon.  In reality once you stop chasing the “most attractive person” you will find that there are actually a lot of people of the opposite sex that are not only available but who have wonderful qualities and are attractive to boot.   It is rarely the case that there are not enough people of the opposite sex and right age, unless we’re in a prison camp.  It is usually the case that we have ignored or otherwise weeded out everyone who could be a potential mate from contention.

Those are some of the hidden group dynamics, what about the individual dynamics? Mystery and unattainability are actually major factors in attraction. You want what do not know about, or what you can not have. This is why siblings are naturally not attracted. There is no mystery. So we want someone we do not know about, but generally only the ones that we see as “above” us or at least roughly equal. We do not naturally consider those who we do not see as less attractive than ourselves.

Additionally, men and women tend to have different psychologies of rejection that develop.  Men basically are the pursuers.  So if you are not a proactive man it may feel like life literally passes you by as it regards women.  Regardless if you are the man you have to go after the girl you want and face rejection.    So the phenomenon of being a man can be an exercise in repeated rejection.   If you are a woman, the rejection is usually a little more passive.   You are waiting for someone to “pick you”  and you have to do a lot of things in order to get picked.   This is very rejecting because the message is that you have to be someone you can’t be.  You have to be better looking, but you just are what you are, how do you change that?   So I think the standard psychology that women develop is that they are not likable enough.   It’s permanent rejection.

In addition, because of the “mysterious” phenomenon, deception can play an important part in attraction.   In Genesis 6:2, the “sons of God saw that the daughters of men were good” and so they took them.   This is the same language as the tree in the garden of Eden.  She saw that the fruit was good and she took it.   The issue was that the fruit was not actually good!   Lust is essentially when we believe the lie about someone.   Normally a woman or a man that inspires a strong lustful attraction it is because there is something unhealthy about them.   Now, please do not get me wrong, a lustful person can lust after anything and anyone, but it doesn’t just cut one way.  I’m pointing out that there are people who can stir up lust in an otherwise “normal” person.   It’s not because that person is actually physically more attractive, it is because there is a spirit associated with their own lust that presents itself as “good” to others.    When you believe in your heart that the person is “really hot” or likewise, it’s because you are believing that spirit.    We get pulled in by this spirit and this person, and then we get consumed.  In essence, you are attracted to the person who spiritually speaking is LEAST attractive.

The first part of developing Godly attraction is repenting of this.    You see it’s not even an issue of inner versus outer beauty.  It is an issue of you assigning beauty to someone because of something unhealthy.   If there were identical twins dressed identically, and one was pure but one was not, the one who was not would appeal to you if you’re not healthy.  You have to develop an attraction to what God finds attractive, and then you will ascribe beauty to what God finds beautiful.   In addition, you have to be able to see potential in people, the way God see potential in you.

But how do you go about finding someone if you have already crossed these bridges?  Can a singles group do the trick?   Usually the answer is “no.”    Singles ministers often set these groups up intentionally to keep people from meeting someone there.  They say “we’re not a meat market.”    So the people who want to meet people aren’t there!   Can you do online?  The problem with online is that it bypasses the natural process of attraction.   You learn all about someone’s vital statistics first and eliminate the mystery!   You end up with someone who looks great on paper but who you are not really attracted to.    I’m not saying it can’t work, I’m just saying it is harder than it sounds.   Also because of the stigma with “online” dating the people who are there are sometimes there because they are a difficult match for some reason or another.

You need to meet people in a natural setting.  Where can you do this?   Ask yourself, where would I be if I were my potential mate?   Don’t look for him or her at the singles meeting, she/he’s not there for the same reason you’re not.    He or she is serving at the soup kitchen, or on a mission trip, or taking classes.    That natural setting allows for you to have a natural attraction.   For guys, once you meet a potential, you need to take your big step.  For girls,  you may need to do more than “send signals.”  Some guys don’t get them.  You may need to engage an older woman at the church who can help you asses the situation and figure out if there is a way to make it happen.

Why People Aren’t Getting Married

There are a lot of young Christian people out there who are just not getting married. It’s a borderline epidemic. It was not always this way. It is a problem associated with our time and culture, and we’re not doing enough to address it. Why aren’t people getting married?

1. The Courtship Philosophy. Honestly I think the problem is partly of our own making. Especially since the rise of the courtship movement we’ve been sending young Christians the message that they should not be pursuing a relationship with someone else. They need to stay holy, deny their desire for a mate, and wait for God to meet the need. This kind of message is intended to stop the kind of people who are sleeping around or may be making rash choices.

The Biblical counsel for someone who “burns with lust” surprisingly is not that they go to a monastery until they overcome it. Paul says that they should get married. So I believe the expectation we should set is not that people stop pursuing, but that they need to switch from serial dating to looking at every relationship as a serious progression toward marriage. Now I’m not saying they don’t need to repent and deal with lustful attitudes. It’s just that the Bible does not say “get delivered from lust and then get married”. We need to help them treat their relationships with more seriousness and reverence, contront the lust problem, and avoid dangerous situations.

The real problem with the courtship message however, is what it does to the more passive, more naturally chaste individual. It causes them to stop looking and wait for Mr or Mrs. Right to drop out of the sky. Not that God doesn’t provide, but he always provides in conjunction with effort on our part. We don’t wait for people to just drop out of the sky to come to our church do we? We develop ways to find them and bring them in — often extremely elaborate ones! These people wake up one morning at 30 or 35 and find that there are no legitimate options for them because they have spent a long time avoiding or not pursuing someone. So we’ve stigmatize looking for someone as ungodly, and then when you get to be 35 and you start we think you’re strange for not having found someone, or ungodly for “settling” on whoever is left at that point. So we’re need to actually encourage people to find a mate.

We need to change our mindset so that we stop working against people getting married and start working toward people getting married.

2. Anti-marriage tendencies. For women, it is the side effects of feminism. There are lots of Godly young women in our churches who were never the less fed a quiet feminism through school or family which has told that getting a family is a shackle. You don’t want that until you are 30 if ever. You need to get out there get a degree, get established in a career, and then get married. Unfortunately doing those things will lead you farther away from marriage. You will be more independent, less willing and less able to unite yourself to a man. You will have the issue of two people going in two different directions negotiating who has to lay down what in order for things to move forward. You will have missed out on most of the best years for raising children, and many of the best men as well. This is horrible advice for women. Young marriage may have the drawback of immaturity, but maturing together has significant long term advantages.

Men on the other hand may be given to “playing the field” and “low commitment” although I find this rare for serious Christian men. I think the big hurdle for them is the changes that men have to make in order to accomodate for a woman and a family in their radical mindset. These radical men may have rough communication styles, and expectations that women may find austere. Ever look at the “decor” in a bachelor pad?

The church has work against both of these, educating women about the consequences of “postponing” family and men about what it really means to be a husband.

3. Unrealistic Expectations. Both men and women face this issue although it’s a little different for each. For the spiritual man you might be looking for a girl that is gorgeous and passionate about serving God in extreme ways. Get in line. You may also have “the list” going on, where they need to meet a long list of criteria you feel are essential in a mate. For a woman, you might be looking for fairy tale man, who is both sensitive and understanding, but strong and masculine. He is a great listener but doesn’t rush to “give the answer.” He is a courageous leader, but he would never override you. If these men exist, they are mostly your dad’s age – having developed these skills over a lifetime. So unrealistic expectations are a problem. Both sexes need to learn to look for the hidden gemstone instead of the “perfect” person. I’m not definitely saying you should compromise your spiritual values, what I am saying is that you need to look with God’s eyes on your spouse.

All of this leads me to conclude that churches need to be proactive about marriage.  They need to develop people for it and fight worldly tendencies.  They need to create places where people can meet.   Moreover, instead of a “singles” ministry, which generally is a place people go “not to meet someone.”  The should have a “marriage” ministry.  Where people go to become the person that someone wants to meet, and to connect with that special someone.   Perhaps a couple whose responsibility it is to know “who is who” and to help develop natural situations where they could meet.

Growing Ministry

Often we talk about about growing a ministry, this equates a ministry with a thing.. a large church or program is considered a ministry. However, I’d like to suggest that we focus on the human aspect — the ministry result that happens to a person. Ministry does not actually happen unless someone is actually touched or changed as a result of what you are doing. This is what we want to cultivate. We don’t want to grow a ministry, we want to grow ministry. We want the amount of ministry that happens in our church to increase exponentially regardless of what is going on with headcount.

Let’s look at the encounter with the woman at the well as a model for ministry activity:

1. Jesus met the woman at the well and he ministered to her.
2. Her life was changed.
3. She ministered to other people (the whole town) through her testimony
4. The ministry team (Jesus and the disciples) followed up on all of the people that she touched, and touched some more.

One person received a real touch from God and it changed the town. These kinds of “follow on” ministry situations happen repeatedly in the Bible, and I think that is one of the golden keys we’re missing.

Most ministry is like scattering seed. It just goes everywhere — rocky ground, the path, the thorns, and the soil. And there is nothing wrong with scatter shot activities. You need them. Jesus, John the Baptist and the disciples performed a lot of that. But you have to go beyond that. We scatter seed, and scatter it, and hope something grows on its own. Then when we aren’t seeing enough growth we start a program and try to get people into it. The initiative for the program is is not coming from the people, it’s coming from us.

Ministry means service, service is meeting the needs of the people. If you want to grow ministry, meet the needs of the people. The context does not matter, small or large the goal is to touch individuals. Jesus ministered to the woman at the well. The dynamic transforming power of God was now inside of her. She’s excited. What do you do now that you’ve got someone who has received ministry? Here are some common scenarios:

1. I’ve been in some churches where someone who receives a touch from God like this becomes a “problem” for the pastors and they will ignore this person or something similar. This can be extremely hurtful to the person God has touched. Jesus was surrounded by throngs. What did he do anytime someone pulled on Him? Did he say “this is not a hospital church” or call for the ushers? No! He met their need. That’s because the pull from the person (faith) is what makes the ministry happen. You’re foolish if you turn people away, you are thwarting your own ministry.
2. Nothing. She just gets the ministry, tells somebody, they acknowledge how great it is, and that’s the end of it.
3. She would get farmed into a group or possibly connected with someone. Now this is a much better result, depending on how it works, real change can happen.
4. She performs “follow on” ministry. This is the ideal. When someone is touched, there is holy fire within them. There is grace to touch someone else. “Freely you have received, freely give” Testimonies are the most basic ways of doing this. If its someone more mature, the follow on may be a teaching. Perhaps if they got healed, they start praying for others healing. The “ministry” they receive becomes the ministry that they give back to everyone — including the person who gave it to them in the first place!

We’ve spread the fire by letting the person who received do some giving, but we’re still not done. The Bible says that Jesus and the disciples went down to the city and stayed for two days and ministered to more people. They followed up on the result of her ministry! We follow up with a person who is touched, we give them a chance to minister to others, and then we follow up on the results of that, which as you can imagine leads to a cycle. More people are touched, more people minister, etc. This is what I’m talking about in “growing ministry.”

1. It begins with a “pull” from someone. A hungry person came to you or you scattered seed to one or to a thousand, and someone was stirred.
2. You feed them.
3. They are changed.
4. They feed others.
5. You begin again with the people they touched.

What you are now doing is cultivating the life of God among His body. Instead of setting up pyramids where one person takes initiative and everyone else is farmed in, which is what natural man always does, we are cultivating the “vine,” the life of God among our people. Every fire starts with a small spark. We can’t figure out why no fire is starting. It’s because we’re not fanning the sparks into flame. We let them go out, and then strike another match. You get enough sparks, and there starts to be a fire. The more lives change, the more people believe that lives can change. That’s more faith. More faith means more miracles. So it’s not as much about “vision” and ministry direction, and all of those things. It’s about fanning and chasing the fire of the Holy Spirit among the people (including yourself). When it gets hot, you can even burn dead wood in there.

Biblical Basis of Covering in the Shepherding Movement

The major proponents of the “covering” doctrine in modern times mostly trace their roots back to Watchman Nee’s book “Spiritual Authority.” While Nee was a neat and insightful writer, we should keep in mind that the second generation became a cult under his disciple Witness Lee so there must have been some error mixed in there! The Shepherding Movement was the first major group to take up the teaching, but even with the failure of the movement in the 1980’s, it keeps a life of its own. John Bevere’s book Under Cover is the most recent and popular restatement of covering theology. And all throughout the Charismatic church this kind of mentality lurks around.

When you are in a group that teaches submission and authority or “covering”, the Scriptural support seems overwhelming throughout the Bible. First there is the shocking instance of Korah’s Rebellion in Numbers 16 ends with the Earth opening up and swallowing them alive! Miriam and Aaron rebel against Moses authority and Miriam is struck with leprosy. David refuses to “touch the Lord’s anointed” in his long trials with Saul, and the Scripture is hard on Absalom who rebels against his father. The teaching follows that we need to treat unjust authority like Saul in the same way that David did. We want to be Davids not Absaloms right?

Jesus himself says that “the Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing.” He praises the Roman centurion in Matthew 8:9-10 after he says “For I too am a man under authority.” The logic goes that if Jesus was submitted to leadership, how much more should we be submitted to leadership?

Then in Paul we find that “Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities.” and that “whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God.” Our pastors are authorities set up by God, and so if we resist them, we are resisting God himself. And finally looking in to 1 Cor 11, we find a hierarchy setup: “the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” You need to get into line with the submitted order of the universe. God is a God of order after all right? Finally in Hebrews 13:17 we get a direct command “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls”

These are just some of the explicit examples. Once you take up the authority worldview, you will find it throughout the Scripture. The foibles of the Patriarchs for example can be explained in terms of their relationship to authority. This teaching must be true then right? Those who teach this doctrine are correct in identifying a Scriptural pattern of authority and order. Both the interpretation and application of this pattern are wrong, however.

First of all, the Bible does not teach unquestioning obedience to leaders. In fact, the Bible is full of examples of God calling his people to confront unrighteous leadership. Jesus is the foremost. He was basically put to death for his confrontation with the Pharisees. They were the duly established authority of the time. He called them “snakes”, “hypocrites” and a “brood of vipers.” Essentially he was confronting authorities which were in disobedience to God, to re-establish God’s proper authority over all. If Jesus is our example in this as in everything else we should be ready to have a show down with authorities that are in disobedience to God. The apostles took this to heart. In Acts 4:19 and 5:29 when ordered by the duly establish authority to obey, they say “We must obey God rather than men.” There could hardly be a clearer Scriptural precedent. If someone is telling you to do something that you believe is wrong, do not do it!

The Old Testament examples are misconstrued as well. Moses was ruling a theocratic Kingdom, speaking to God face to face, and receiving the Ten Commandments. Which of your leaders do you think possesses the same kind of authority as Moses did? David’s refusal to kill Saul does not detract from the fact that he was not submitting to or obeying Saul. He fled from Saul. In fact, he makes one of his famous statement “I will not touch the Lord’s anointed” statements when Saul finds him in a cave where he had run to. Had he submitted to Saul completely, there would have been no King David, because Saul would have succeeded in killing him. And what about the other examples? Jehu is anointed by God to wipe out the ruling dynasty. So are basically all of the judges.

Finally, let’s look at the only Scripture in the New Testament which really talks about “covering” in an explicit way: 1 Corinthians 11. The hierarchy that is setup there, far from supporting submission relationships is one of the strongest statements against it. In verse 7 it says that “a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God” If we really believe that this passage is about a hierarchy of personal submission, which is questionable, then this passage is teaching that the man should not submit to other men, because the “head of man is Christ.”

What is the author of Hebrews really teaching us when he tells us to “obey your leaders and submit to them,” then? The elders of Christ’s church are the defenders of the flock. They are set in place to defend us, and they take many blows from the enemy in their effort to protect us. Becoming an elder means you are willing to take this heavy responsibility on. We must respect their God-given authority to run the church. If you are not an elder in the church, then it is not your job to lead the church. If you start leading the church without authority to do so, you are in rebellion. This is far different from saying that elders have the right to tell you what you must believe, or what you must do. They have the right to lead the church, and if you participate in that church, you have the responsibility to follow their leadership. If you can not follow, then you can find another church. Most churches that teach “covering” however will try to make you feel as bad as possible for leaving, and usually do not have real elders, just one powerful leader and people that derive their authority from him. In this way they are dangerously similar to cults. Unhealthy church leadership always extends beyond the church and into your private life. By praising you when you do or believe what they say, and condemning you when you do not, they exert authority that they have not been given. It is your responsibility to take back the authority that God gave you over your own life. Anyone who tries to rule your conscience but you is out of line!

Because of the hierarchical worldview of these leaders, they will see anything that is not submitted to their system as being in rebellion. Whether it is another church, a para-church group, or just an individual. If they are not in a hierarchy of submission, then they are not “under cover.” Do not let this keep you from obeying God. Just like every system set up by the enemy, it gains its power from fear and intimidation. If they can scare you into thinking you are in rebellion then you will stay regardless of what kind of terrible things happen to you. Eventually you will either start to behave the way they want you to, or you will become a wreck.