Why People Aren’t Getting Married
Posted by thinkingriddles on December 31, 2008
There are a lot of young Christian people out there who are just not getting married. It’s a borderline epidemic. It was not always this way. It is a problem associated with our time and culture, and we’re not doing enough to address it. Why aren’t people getting married?
1. The Courtship Philosophy. Honestly I think the problem is partly of our own making. Especially since the rise of the courtship movement we’ve been sending young Christians the message that they should not be pursuing a relationship with someone else. They need to stay holy, deny their desire for a mate, and wait for God to meet the need. This kind of message is intended to stop the kind of people who are sleeping around or may be making rash choices.
The Biblical counsel for someone who “burns with lust” surprisingly is not that they go to a monastery until they overcome it. Paul says that they should get married. So I believe the expectation we should set is not that people stop pursuing, but that they need to switch from serial dating to looking at every relationship as a serious progression toward marriage. Now I’m not saying they don’t need to repent and deal with lustful attitudes. It’s just that the Bible does not say “get delivered from lust and then get married”. We need to help them treat their relationships with more seriousness and reverence, contront the lust problem, and avoid dangerous situations.
The real problem with the courtship message however, is what it does to the more passive, more naturally chaste individual. It causes them to stop looking and wait for Mr or Mrs. Right to drop out of the sky. Not that God doesn’t provide, but he always provides in conjunction with effort on our part. We don’t wait for people to just drop out of the sky to come to our church do we? We develop ways to find them and bring them in — often extremely elaborate ones! These people wake up one morning at 30 or 35 and find that there are no legitimate options for them because they have spent a long time avoiding or not pursuing someone. So we’ve stigmatize looking for someone as ungodly, and then when you get to be 35 and you start we think you’re strange for not having found someone, or ungodly for “settling” on whoever is left at that point. So we’re need to actually encourage people to find a mate.
We need to change our mindset so that we stop working against people getting married and start working toward people getting married.
2. Anti-marriage tendencies. For women, it is the side effects of feminism. There are lots of Godly young women in our churches who were never the less fed a quiet feminism through school or family which has told that getting a family is a shackle. You don’t want that until you are 30 if ever. You need to get out there get a degree, get established in a career, and then get married. Unfortunately doing those things will lead you farther away from marriage. You will be more independent, less willing and less able to unite yourself to a man. You will have the issue of two people going in two different directions negotiating who has to lay down what in order for things to move forward. You will have missed out on most of the best years for raising children, and many of the best men as well. This is horrible advice for women. Young marriage may have the drawback of immaturity, but maturing together has significant long term advantages.
Men on the other hand may be given to “playing the field” and “low commitment” although I find this rare for serious Christian men. I think the big hurdle for them is the changes that men have to make in order to accomodate for a woman and a family in their radical mindset. These radical men may have rough communication styles, and expectations that women may find austere. Ever look at the “decor” in a bachelor pad?
The church has work against both of these, educating women about the consequences of “postponing” family and men about what it really means to be a husband.
3. Unrealistic Expectations. Both men and women face this issue although it’s a little different for each. For the spiritual man you might be looking for a girl that is gorgeous and passionate about serving God in extreme ways. Get in line. You may also have “the list” going on, where they need to meet a long list of criteria you feel are essential in a mate. For a woman, you might be looking for fairy tale man, who is both sensitive and understanding, but strong and masculine. He is a great listener but doesn’t rush to “give the answer.” He is a courageous leader, but he would never override you. If these men exist, they are mostly your dad’s age – having developed these skills over a lifetime. So unrealistic expectations are a problem. Both sexes need to learn to look for the hidden gemstone instead of the “perfect” person. I’m not definitely saying you should compromise your spiritual values, what I am saying is that you need to look with God’s eyes on your spouse.
All of this leads me to conclude that churches need to be proactive about marriage. They need to develop people for it and fight worldly tendencies. They need to create places where people can meet. Moreover, instead of a “singles” ministry, which generally is a place people go “not to meet someone.” The should have a “marriage” ministry. Where people go to become the person that someone wants to meet, and to connect with that special someone. Perhaps a couple whose responsibility it is to know “who is who” and to help develop natural situations where they could meet.
Christine Pembleton said
These are great observations of our Christian society, with possible reasons for the decline of marriage in our time. My blog, ReadyToBeAWife.com, is a web site to help prepare Christian women for marriage. We have to prepare people for marriage, so they can love joyfully and wholly. I believe singles ministry should consist of saints who have decided to be single, and our husbands and wives ministries should be reaching out to those who have yet to be married, to help prepare them for the road ahead. I pray more is done. I am doing my part and celebrating the possibilities 2009 will bring.
God Bless You, Christine Pembleton
thinkingriddles said
Christine, so glad that you found this post. I like your blog a lot as well as your idea here. We’re definitely on the same page here. The church needs to take on this responsibility.
beatthedrum said
Hello long time no speak
This is an interesting post and I agree with you one hundred percent, but i would not be me if i didnt add my tuppence worth into the melting pot.
okay here are my points
1. There are more women christians than men, so some women are not going to find christian husbands. Sad but none the less true
2. Many Christian women have white knight syndrom, they expect the man they are going to marry to look like Leanardo Dicaprio, preach like Spurgeon, empathise like mother teresa, have a good white collar job, love interia design and cats.
3. Many women do not attract men they repulse them.. by which i mean make the men ignore them or avoid them rather than make them throw up. What do i mean by this. A number women put up a barrier and a certain independance which men do not find attractive. Men need to feel needed.
4. Some christian men are weirdos and women should avoid them at all costs!
5. Christian women often feel that they do not have to make an effort as to how they dress / look as the right christian man will look at the personality before looks
I was once in a church where their was no couples ‘going out’ as we call it in the UK. There was over 50 singles in the church yet no relationships. They wanted to ‘go out’ or get married but nothing was happening, so the elders called them in for a fireside chat.
The elder turned to the guys and said, “if you want to attract the girls, get a wash (they were a bit grungy), smarten up and ask them out”
To the girls he said ” You have to stop dressing like lesbians…. (the vogue was for frumpy jeans, big sweaters and boots amongst the girls) dont you know that men are atracted visually first then mentally”
Single people amaze me with the games they play. I wish they would just get on with it, both sexes are desperate to find the right person and settle down, but are too scared of rejection.
I met Mrs Beatthedrum in a pub with a mutual friend, two weeks later we were ‘going out’ and we were married within 10 months of meeting.
Can i recommend Mark Driscolls Peasant princess series on relationships as a tangent it can be found here http://www.peasantprincess.com
thinkingriddles said
Drum — Great comments here albeit bluntly put. It sounds like your church did the right thing in recognizing the problem and taking some action to address it. The Joshua Harris phenomenon in the US seems to have the church here moving in the other direction.
beatthedrum said
I am a fairly blunt instrument, I have been concerned about it over the years but last year I felt Father tell me that he made me that way for a purpose… to say the things others would not, so the truth can be heard. It can be a real issues as the prophecies He gives me tend to be straight and to the point, I feel like Jeremiah at times all doom and gloom. But then there is always blessing in obedience.
Not heard of this Joshua Harris stuff what is it?
Mike said
I think that you’ve touched on an important issue here. I’m a single guy in my twenties, and I have noticed that there are many bad mindsets about marriage among singles in the church today. In my experience, many of the singles who are aren’t getting married are scared away by the examples they see in the church. Many of the marriages in the church (my church at least) seem to be very unhappy from the outside. In fact, whenever I hear marriage mentioned in church it is usually someone saying how hard it is to be married. Also, the divorce rate in the church reinforces this impression very effectively. So I think that in order to solve the problem of singles not getting married, we will have to solve the problem of bad examples first.
Also, coming from the prophetic stream of the church, the courtship/Josh Harris mentality becomes much more pronounced. When you are used to God speaking all the time, it seems odd that you could make such a big decisions about a relationship without a clear word from God first.
thinkingriddles said
Mike, this is a fascinating comment which is as enlightening as it is disturbing. What you highlight is something that I touched on from the angle of raising children (rather than marriage) in a previous post… http://churchrevolution.wordpress.com/2007/09/08/a-survey-of-churchfamily-worldviews/
As someone who was profoundly impacted in a positive way by the prophetic stream, I am having a hard time coming to grips with the progressive revelation that it is an unhealthy place for families. So in some sense, you could take heart in knowing that your situation may actually be more specialized than you appreciate. Other circles I have moved in have never lacked marriage models that I could look up to. Perhaps you need a change of venue?
Also, I agree about the prophetic comment. Oddly, Harris comes from Mahaney’s church where they have moved strongly away from the prophetic and the supernatural, yet we’re drinking it down. We just don’t see these examples of “God told me” who to marry in the Bible, minus Hosea — and that was certainly not one to repeat! It reveals a more fundamental problem with the prophetic worldview. The expectation of God telling you things external to your own will and initiative. I lived under that for a long time, until it was a real bondage. Now I enjoy God speaking by changing my will internally so that I will make the right choice as the primary way of hearing Him. Not that I discount the “voice” I just don’t lose sleep when I don’t hear it. Our convictions of Biblical truth shaped by the Holy Spirit are a sure guide to long term fruit.
beatthedrum said
I must say that in the UK there is not a high level of divorce in the evangelical church, there are some marriages but there is a lot of support to help people change that.
The group of churches I am part of New Frontiers International relates quite well with Mahaney and others in the US (Driscoll, Keller to name two) and from what I have seen they give a lot of practical care and help with relationship and marriage.
Driscolls latest series the Peasent Princess was teaching marriage from the pulpit, what it meant to be married, was a good marriage was, why we should desire it.
ryan said
I just wanna say that it must be such a novelty to have to enforce the idea of marriage. but what about those who are trying to find anyone and nothing happens. after a while it makes you think that maybe some are meant to be single and society forces relationships down our throats. as a result for those who may not be christians, some of them might think of gayness. should we first be looking for intimacy in christ first? if we were to love each other the way we love god how would that look? its very interesting to imagine what that would look like.
steve240 said
You raise some good points.
I have a blog where I critique Josh Harris’s IKDG book. In the last month there have been a few blogs discussing “kissing dating goodbye” including pointing out the problems “kissing dating goodbye” and the environment it typically produces has caused. I am glad to see this type of discussion. Unfortunately IKDG was accepted blindly as a “one size fits all” in a lot of circles without thinking it through.
From what I have seen of “kissing dating goodbye” is that it typically teaches singles to avoid relating with those of the opposite sex vs. learning how to properly relate with those of the opposite sex. I have seen these problems occur in groups that didn’t allow dating way before Josh Harris’s book came out. You could almost always tell when a group taught this practice of not dating: the singles were almost afraid of each other.
Josh Harris is quick to point out the problems with dating but is pretty much silent with all the problems his approach has caused. This includes problems that have occurred where he is Sr. Pastor now.
Unfortunately when the “kissing dating” approach is taught and blindly accepted as it seems to be done in some circles, the problems and extremes go too far. “Kissing dating goodbye” become unassailable and the problems are ignored.
What might be a good idea for teenagers doesn’t mean that it is a good idea for older singles. If one takes the dating away, one needs to insure that people are learning the social skills they need that will make it much easier for one to get married. Then you won’t have this problem of people not getting married.
It should be noted that Josh Harris didn’t come up with the “kissing dating goodbye” philosophy but with his book “championed” this approach. It was in practice since 1978 in various forms at Sovereign Grace Ministries since 1978. Harris just “popularized” it.
Steve
http://www.ikdg.wordpress.com
thinkingriddles said
Steve, Thanks for your comments. You make a good point about the history of the courting doctrine. Maranatha Campus Ministries used the same kind of philosophy back in the day, so that would cause me to guess it originated from the Shepherding Movement before SGM.
I consider myself fairly conservative on this subject. I believe in basically no physical contact before marriage that you wouldn’t do with your sister, and I also believe in only pursuing a romantic relationship with marriage in mind. Where I part ways is when it comes to things like older adults in control of your marriage decision, and limitations on interactions between singles. If your standard is absolute holiness and your orientation is toward marriage, what exactly are the restrictions for? I think people who want to be married should be encouraged to pursue the kinds of people they would like to be married to and “find out” what that would mean.
steve240 said
Thinkingriddles
I am glad you find this helpful. Great Commission another campus group like Maranatha had a similar “no dating” policy.
I think we are on similar pages with our beliefs. A lot can be said for not being in repetitive short term “romantic” relationships before one is ready for marriage. I do see the point where people question a couple going together for years with no real purpose in mind or maybe before they are ready. Of course one does hear about successful marriages that started early (even high school) where the couple ends up marrying and they have only ever dated each other. I guess that shows you that there can’t just be one pattern that works.
Unfortunately with the emphasis on avoiding premature relationships before one is ready for marriage has lead to Christian single men and women not learning how to relate to each other. Thus when one is ready for marriage, they many times don’t have the skills necessary to meet and develop a marriage relationship. Unfortunately, those who promote courtship rarely if ever admit this problem. Not admitting this problem makes it nearly impossible to correct.
This mentality of no relationships till you are ready for marriage also typically trains one to be totally closed to the possibility of a relationship. Unfortunately that mentality remains in both single men and women even when they are ready for marriage. This can contribute to singles not marrying.
I am glad to see recent blog entries where people have critiqued IKDG including:
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/features-reviews/life/17083-i-kissed-dating-goodbye-but-where-did-it-go#comment-15643
beatthedrum said
This is a very difficult area as no way is the correct way for everyone. For example my wife and I broke the unspoken rules of our church in regards to relationships and marriage. Which was typically 6 months to get to know each other, 6 months ‘going out’, 6 months “Engaged”, married.
We did 2 weeks getting to know each other 3 weeks going out, engaged 8 months .. married. Which caused shock waves and lead to some very strong words from my then lead elder.
Personally I dont think a man is really ready for a ‘proper’ relationship until he has taken a number of steps (again for me this is a guide line)
1. Left home
2. Has a job
3. is supporting himself financially
4. has a good walk with God
5. knows what Gods ‘vision’ for his life is.
then he can find a woman who also shares his vision and his hers.
If your wlak with God is good and you know what your vision is then you can find your ‘partner’ in that vision. UInil then you should stay single.
Personally I had a numebr of relationships both prior to being saved and post. And they all failed due to one of the issues above and someone got hurt in the process either I did or the Girl.